Dear Strong Language,
No one understands me! What can I do? I’m a good customer, really I am, but sometimes when my bank, solicitor and other service providers contact me, I feel like they’re talking another language.

My post-box is jammed with letters that say things like: “I acknowledge receipt of your letter dated September 1, 2008. Please send your remittance.” Who talks like that – a computer? What is a remittance and why should I send it anyway?

Things get even more confusing if I contact customer service people directly. Two weeks ago, my roof sprang a leak and I naturally emailed my insurance company. They asked me whether the damage was from the rain or from a storm? I wrote back saying, “there’s just water pouring in from the roof and I’m not sure what caused it.”

They said they’d cover for storm damage but not rain damage. What does that mean? Is a storm just rain with a bit more wind? Who decides if it’s a storm rather than just a rainy, windy day? I mean, is there some guy in the insurance company who decides or do they call the guy on the RTE weather slot? They haven’t told me what to do so the water is still pouring in.

With all this bad weather – and stress – my stomach’s been bothering me more than usual. My doctor has scheduled a procedure to test for ulcers. I hesitantly rang my healthcare provider to see if I’m covered. They started talking generally about deductibles and how it all depends on the hospital and the plan I’ve chosen. I don’t care about all that. I just want to know – specifically – how much it’s going to cost me. Is that too much to ask?

I always thought I was smart – I have an MA in philosophy for goodness sake – but the phrases these companies use are, well, just a mystery to me.

Don’t get me started on the emails I get from my solicitor. What planet is she on? The first time I met her she was great. She totally understood the needs of my growing business. Then I received their “terms of engagement” letter! I’ll tell you, diary, it was scary. I thought I was in the principal’s office after school. It was all “If you do this, then we’ll do that. If you cross the line then we’ll do blah.” Needless to say, I won’t be using that law firm.

Why can’t the companies that I have to deal with on a regular basis – the bank, the insurance company, the healthcare organisation, the government and my law firm – talk to me in language I understand?

Dear Reader,
What a terrible ordeal. It must be frustrating to feel like a teenager again. Nobody understood how you felt then and, unfortunately, many companies aren’t interested in speaking their customers’ language now.

The corporate ego has got in the way. Companies are so busy thinking about their targets, deadlines and profit margins that they’ve forgotten the reason they are in business – to service the needs of their customers.

Talking to the customer is old-fashioned – and to be avoided – so companies don’t know who you are, they don’t bother to find out and their word choices can make you feel stupid.

Language is simply a tool to communicate a message. Yet, many professions have smashed the most valuable item in their toolbox with a jargon hammer.

Doctors speak of myocardial infarctions rather than heart attacks; bankers talk about compound interest instead of making money on money already saved; solicitors use archaic language that no one understands. Customers simply scratch their heads.

Lingo that only people “in the know” understand is dangerous. It allows vague phrases – like collateral damage rather than murder – to fill our minds with noise rather than information.

Good writers know that copy – direct mail, email, brochures and web copy – should never be about them. It must be about the reader. To get the message across they have to put themselves in the reader’s shoes.

Somewhere along a gobbledegook-strewn path, the business owner’s empathy for the customer morphed into blatant self-interest. The solution? Move your business to someone who speaks your language.

Margaret E. Ward is an Irish Times business columnist and a director of Clear Ink, the clear English specialists. Margaret@clearink.ie

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